You’ve been asking me to write a story, so here I go.
“We’re not in the right movie,” she whispered in the dark.
I averted my eyes from the TV screen and tried to make out her face in the flashing lights.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I mean that if this were a hollywood movie, it wouldn’t have a happy ending,” she said.
“But it is a hollywood movie.” I still didn’t understand.
“I don’t mean the actual movie, I mean you and I.”
I could feel my heart skip a beat. This was serious. I paused the film and turned on the lamp next to my bed.
“What are you trying to say?” I sounded weak, almost afraid. I had no idea why she chose this exact moment to bring up something like that.
“I don’t know exactly. I’ve just had this feeling for a while now that we’re not going anywhere. That we’re always kinda stuck in the same place.”
My heart was pounding in my ears, my whole body was trembling, I couldn’t speak the words that were filling up my head. Please don’t do this. Not now. I beg you.
“I want to be independent, you know? I want to live life on my own for a while and see where it takes me. I’m young and I’d like to see so much more of what this world can show me.” Her voice cracked. This wasn’t easy for her either.
I couldn’t breathe. The words were forming in my throat but they got stuck. I felt hot tears streaming down my face as I looked at her with pain in my eyes. It was all so surreal. So unexpected. Completely out of nowhere, right when I had begun to think that things were finally getting better. I felt pathetic. There I sat, next to my girlfriend of almost two years, crying like a baby. Everything seemed so vain. I stared at her, I stared her down with contempt and sorrow, confusion and anger.
“I’m so sorry,” she said, her voice now feeble, stuttering under the weight of her first tears. She got up and made her way to the door.
“Please,” I mumbled “please don’t go.” My words were almost unintelligible, but she stopped. “Please don’t leave me her alone with myself.” I was still shaking, the crying had stopped, though.
“I’m sorry, I really am,” she said faintly. “I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted it to end like this, but if I don’t leave now I may never do it. And I know that would break me.”
Her words hurt more than any razor blade I could ever drag across my skin. They pierced my heart and let me bleed out from the inside. If you love her let her go.
She looked at me one last time. Her once so beautifully blue eyes were now red and swollen. Yet, I could still see the feeling they were trying to hide under their curtains of salt: it was pity. Pity for the fool who had given everything to her without ever thinking about it. Pity for the weak shadow of a man she had once loved. And pity for herself, for wasting so much time on this makeshift relationship.
The tears came again as she closed the bedroom door. I buried my face in my pillow and let the pain overtake me.
Don’t lean on me, ’cause I am falling. Please don’t fall with me. And don’t count on me, ’cause I am drowning. Please don’t drown with me.