“Alright, I did it. We’re together,” Jonah said
“Wait what?” Leah asked
“Yeah, I kissed her yesterday after she had walked me to the bus station.”
“Oh. Well, that’s nice, I’m happy for you,” she said a little confused
“Why thank you. I’m happy for me too.”
“So how was it?”
“How was what?”
“The kiss. It was your first, wasn’t it?”
“Ah, yes. It was…overwhelming. But also the greatest thing I’ve ever experienced.”
“Congratulations, you’re no kiss-virgin anymore.”
“Hallefuckinglujah,” Jonah exclaimed with a proud grin
They were sitting in a café, drinking cappuccinos. Jonah was a young man of seventeen years and Leah, who was still sixteen, was his best friend. They told each other everything. And now, Jonah had the most exciting news of his life. Two weeks back he had met a girl called Carol at a concert and he had asked her for her phone number. They had gone out a couple of times and then, on the day before this one, they had had their first kiss and became a couple. For Jonah, this hadn’t only been his first kiss but he was now also looking at his first real relationship with a girl. He was extremely excited and happy about this turn of events but Leah seemed less convinced. She looked him sternly in the eyes when she said “Don’t you think it was a bit fast?”
“Why?” he asked
“Well, you’ve only been on three dates and now all of a sudden you’re together.”
“Are you jealous by any chance?” Jonah grinned. The thing with Leah was that ever since they had met, he had had a thing for her. He’d always wanted to be more than just friends but she’d never shared his feelings. Or at least that’s what he had thought up until the first time he had told her about Carol. Her answers had been very reserved and distant. Jonah liked this circumstance in an admittedly sick kind of way. To see the girl with whom he had most likely been in love for some time (he wasn’t exactly sure what he felt for her) suffer like that filled him with a twisted pride. Leah was silent. She was thinking about whether or not to give an honest answer.
Then she decided to play it cool and said sarcastically “You wish. Not every girl is into you, you know.”
“Yeh, I guess you’re right. But Carol obviously likes me and that’s everything I need so you can just keep your sarcastic comments in your pocket,” Jonah said before emptying his coffee cup. Then he added “Anyway, what’s new with you? Any interesting boy stories?”
“Actually yes. A childhood friend of mine has recently asked me if I wanted to go out with him sometime. I said yes.”
What was that? Did he feel jealous? No, why would he. He had no reason to whatsoever. Nevertheless, more than a “Nice” wouldn’t escape his lips. They left the café, said goodbye and parted ways.
During the following two months Jonah and Carol met up a lot, had sleepovers, made out, watched Netflix, celebrated Valentine’s Day and even almost had their first time together. Leah was right, it was moving fast. But Jonah couldn’t have cared less about that. Not that he even would have, since this was his first relationship so he had no experience with “moving too fast”. He was just enjoying the time he spent with Carol. But then, at the start of their third month together, Jonah started having doubts. He wasn’t sure if he actually loved Carol. They had been together for two months and he was so unsure of his feelings that it nearly tore him apart. He was absorbed by thoughts about her, wondering if he was just using her. Carol was his first girlfriend so the thought that he was just in love with the feeling of actually having such intimacy with a girl wasn’t so farfetched. He doubted more and more, went on walks in the middle of the night and cried a lot. Ironic. During the time he should’ve felt the happiest, he actually felt the saddest. At first he didn’t tell Leah about any of this for he was now surer than ever that he was actually in love with her. He had always wanted her. And he still did. Then, on a Wednesday when he was walking through the night because he once again couldn’t sleep she called him.
“Helloooo, what are you doing?” she asked cheerfully
“I’m walking,” Jonah answered less excitedly
“At this hour? Why?”
“I have to get my head clear.”
She realised that something was up and replied more seriously “I see. Do you want to talk about it?” Oh, he loved her alright
“Thank you. I’m just really doubting my feelings at the moment. I think I’m going to break up with Carol soon.”
“Holy shitsnacks, that’s not good news, boy!” she exclaimed
“I know. I just think it’s unfair for Carol if I don’t end it. She loves me a lot, of that I am sure and I feel awful thinking that she’s under the illusion that I love her just as much.”
“Yeah, it’s probably the right thing to do.” He loved her so much
Jonah said that he would try to get some sleep now and they hung up.
A week later, on an ugly park bench near the river, he broke up with Carol. It felt good. He knew that it was the right choice. It wasn’t a bad break up either. They stayed friends for some time and met up again every few years to catch up.
However, after the break up Jonah’s plan was to get together with Leah. This proved to be an idiotic dream for she had had some experiences with her childhood friend and they were just on the verge of getting together. So Jonah grew desperate. He started making dumb jokes about how Leah was the perfect girl for him. Of course he wasn’t really joking. After some time, Leah grew quite annoyed of those jokes. Her and her childhood friend became a couple and she gradually broke off the contact to Jonah. When she finally told him that she wanted nothing to do with him anymore, he felt like the biggest idiot on the planet. He had lost a girlfriend, which was okay, but he had also lost his best friend, which absolutely destroyed him. He turned to alcohol and cigarettes. And he suffered. He suffered so much, not succeeding in getting Leah off his mind. The self-loathing grew strong within him and he perceived himself as nothing more than a miserable piece of shit. He never saw Leah again. But he wrote about her. Songs, short stories, letters, really everything that helped him get over the pain. And to this day he is still writing.