A Nasty Thing Called Happiness

It might sound crazy but I miss being sad.
For half a year I have felt like absolute shit. Now I have a girlfriend, I’m going through a major change in my life and I am genuinely happy. Like, there’s absolutely nothing for me to feel sad about at the moment. You might think now “That’s awesome, what the fuck is this guy upset about?”. And you’re absolutely right. I’m happy. And I’m enjoying the shit out of it, too. But for some reason, I have started to miss the times of sadness. When I felt alone and was drowning in self-pity. I’d be sitting at home with a glass of whisky and writing. I love writing. It’s my way to cope with pain. And when a time of pain is upon me, I write basically anything, really. Songtexts, mostly, but also poems, short stories or continue my book. And when the time has passed, I can read whatever I have written and in a way see my old self. It’s really like looking at the past and realizing how much I’ve grown since then. That’s one thing I miss about being sad: the inspiration and creativity that derives from it (at least in my case).
However, that’s not the only thing I miss. I’ve mentioned self-pity and, believe me, it’s a great thing in a kind of sick way. It’s an extremely arrogant character trait. It just works in the opposite way of “normal” arrogance: arrogance boosts our ego and makes us feel better about ourselves. It’s more of a character flaw than a trait, of course. Nevertheless, it gives us validation. With self pity, it’s really the same thing. Only that instead of boosting our ego, it diminishes it. Instead of feeling good about ourselves, it makes us feel extremely bad. And, in a way, that’s an awesome condition to be in. Self pity helps us perceive ourselves as the poorest piece of shit in the world. We become so obsessed with pitying and hating ourselves that we can forget everything that’s happening around us. It sucks us in like a tornado and doesn’t let go until we have puked out every last bit of sorrow. We become extremely self-important and couldn’t give less fucks about anyone or anything else. And I for one find that to be wildly liberating.
Of course, all in all, being sad sucks. Moreover, self-pity can have quite destructive effects and consequences. That’s why, in times of sadness, we should always try to make something productive out of it. Be it writing songtexts, cleaning up, reading a book etc. It’s not about what we do but rather about doing something. Because the worst thing that can happen is looking back at a time of feeling like shit and realizing that it was a complete waste. I know that’s probably a dumb thing to say but in the end, it’s really just about not regretting the time.
Now, I’m not sure if this makes sense to anyone but thank you for reading.

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